I don't want your pity,
for it is wasted on me.
I don't want your compassion,
for my suffering is just.
I don't want your admiration,
for I'm worth nothing.
But I still look at you,
seeking inspiration.
Jul 12, 2007
Mar 3, 2006
Saturday night chill
In a place of quiet desperation
Where fog devours all rays of hope,
Distance hides all friendly faces,
And stepping forward leaves no traces
I kneel
wings broken
feet bleeding
hands trembling
I came this far to find you
I broke laws and jaws for you
I did not cease to mind you
I built this place for you
For you,
my dream.
Where fog devours all rays of hope,
Distance hides all friendly faces,
And stepping forward leaves no traces
I kneel
wings broken
feet bleeding
hands trembling
I came this far to find you
I broke laws and jaws for you
I did not cease to mind you
I built this place for you
For you,
my dream.
Jan 29, 2006
The Pianist
As I watched Adrien Brody in The Pianist, meeting the russians in a german overcoat I could not help but recall the lines of Bukowski:
The character of Adrien Brody was barely in touch with reality throughout World War II. I envied him when he played again on a piano at the end. After living through what he did, it must have been an extreme pleasure to even touch the keys of the piano.
This cannot happen today, can it? There is something with our time - the greatest peril we face is the lack of pocket money. It's still as hard if not harder to stand out from the crowd, but it's much easier than it ever was to drift with the current. Without the fight for survival we're in a big identity crisis. The world is getting smaller every day in a variety of ways and it only deepens the crisis.
How to answer that need?
Working Out
Van Gogh cut off his ear
gave it to a
prostitute
who flung it away in
extreme
disgust.
Van, whores don't want
ears
they want
money.
I guess that's why you were
such a great
painter: you
didn't understand
much
else.
The character of Adrien Brody was barely in touch with reality throughout World War II. I envied him when he played again on a piano at the end. After living through what he did, it must have been an extreme pleasure to even touch the keys of the piano.
This cannot happen today, can it? There is something with our time - the greatest peril we face is the lack of pocket money. It's still as hard if not harder to stand out from the crowd, but it's much easier than it ever was to drift with the current. Without the fight for survival we're in a big identity crisis. The world is getting smaller every day in a variety of ways and it only deepens the crisis.
How to answer that need?
Jan 25, 2006
Mountain nightmare
A mountain range
is my darkest nightmare.
Midnight cold
freezes my insecure feelings
Chill winds
pierce my bleak hopes
Camp fires
burn on my possessions
Warm sunsets
take away my breath
Endless abyss
swallows my deepest fears
Calm lakes
wash my clever pretence
Here I am
reduced
to a happy man.
is my darkest nightmare.
Midnight cold
freezes my insecure feelings
Chill winds
pierce my bleak hopes
Camp fires
burn on my possessions
Warm sunsets
take away my breath
Endless abyss
swallows my deepest fears
Calm lakes
wash my clever pretence
Here I am
reduced
to a happy man.
Jan 22, 2006
The spirit of the lake
Once upon a time there was a wizard. He traveled a lot and he came often to the Great Lake on the island of Kabu. The calm surface of the lake reflects the nearby magnificent peaks which are covered with snow during the whole year. It is a beautiful place.
He stopped there one afternoon, to rest until the dawn and swim in the crystal water. The chill wind pierced him while the still bright sun warmed his blood. He felt the peace of the place fill him and slowly fell asleep. He woke up at midnight and set up a small warm fire to cook some food.
Without any warning I came within the light of his fire. I sat nearby without a word as if it was my place. The wizard was suspicious but did not show it. Instead he simply asked:
“What is your name?”
“I have none which has meaning to anyone.” I replied.
“I will call you Lalena then.” and after a brief moment added “You can call me Séregon.”
After a while I broke the silence that followed:
“Ask what you want to know.”
“Tell me about yourself. Who are you?”
“My spirit is bound by the will of Tempus to protect this lake for countless years. Every once in a while I’m free to walk the land in my human body. I’ll be your host tonight as my spirit has been many times during your visits to the lake.”
“Maybe it is the very reason I like this place as much” replied Seregon.
We continued to talk unaware of the time until the rising sun interrupted. It was time the wizard continues his journey.
“Will you come with me if I ask you?” he said and got up.
“You will never know until you ask.” I smiled and got up as well.
“I ask you then to come with me.”
In the following days we discovered the bliss of a shared glass of wine, the gorgeous color of the sun light at dusk, the intoxicating smell of the meadows in the early morning.
At the down of the sixth day I had to tell him.
“Every 100 years I can become human again for a week. Tomorrow is the last day of my week. It is my destiny and I cannot deny it.”
Seregon kept silent for a while before replying:
“I like the way your long black hair falls on the sides of your round face. I love the way your chocolate shaded skin feels to the touch. Does it have to be this way?”
“There were many weeks. And they always end. Yes, there is no other way.” I knew it all along yet I could not help but show my sadness with these words.
“What do you feel like doing?” he asked.
“I want to fight.” I said grabbing a sword from the wall in his house.
“Fight me then!” he smiled and began whispering foreign words.
“Gorad, do, otain!” and he became half transparent. More words and his skin looked like stone. Another triad and he began moving swiftly like a cat. I charged but he moved aside. I tried knocking him down, he simply resisted being moved.
We fought until the last drop of our strength was over. Our bodies were sweating as we tried to catch our breath.
I took care of the few bruises he had gotten. He could probably heal them with magic, but he let me do it for him. Then we let our exhaustion turn into slumber.
I got up a few hours later. Seregon was nowhere to be seen. Worried, I searched the whole house and finally entered his study. There I found his cold body at the center of the large pentagram he used for his magic. There were hundreds of small stones all over the floor forming the name “Tempus”. I cried in horror and ran out of the house. I run and run and run as long as I could. When my strength left me I fell in a puddle. The water calmed and I saw my reflection. A twisted crying face surrounded by pure white hair.
The week passed and I was still in my body. What did he do to give me this life? Why did he do it? I have no answers. I wandered in the unknown land until I found a ship to take me to the town of Benzor. I call myself with the name he gave me - Lalena, Lalena White.
I know we cannot have everything. I know that sometimes we cannot even have the single thing we want the most. But this knowledge is no good when I wake up in the night with a cry and the urge to fight takes over me. I get my sword and wander in search of a challenge. With every monster or man I defeat I grow stronger. And I need another challenge.
Tonight it will be a Hell Worm from the Planes of Rage. Let the stronger one survive.
If my strength fades
I shall not perish
If my sword falls
I would not run
My blood can spill
I shall not wither
My heart can burn
I would not die
But if you walk away in silence
I will vanish with the morning mist
He stopped there one afternoon, to rest until the dawn and swim in the crystal water. The chill wind pierced him while the still bright sun warmed his blood. He felt the peace of the place fill him and slowly fell asleep. He woke up at midnight and set up a small warm fire to cook some food.
Without any warning I came within the light of his fire. I sat nearby without a word as if it was my place. The wizard was suspicious but did not show it. Instead he simply asked:
“What is your name?”
“I have none which has meaning to anyone.” I replied.
“I will call you Lalena then.” and after a brief moment added “You can call me Séregon.”
After a while I broke the silence that followed:
“Ask what you want to know.”
“Tell me about yourself. Who are you?”
“My spirit is bound by the will of Tempus to protect this lake for countless years. Every once in a while I’m free to walk the land in my human body. I’ll be your host tonight as my spirit has been many times during your visits to the lake.”
“Maybe it is the very reason I like this place as much” replied Seregon.
We continued to talk unaware of the time until the rising sun interrupted. It was time the wizard continues his journey.
“Will you come with me if I ask you?” he said and got up.
“You will never know until you ask.” I smiled and got up as well.
“I ask you then to come with me.”
In the following days we discovered the bliss of a shared glass of wine, the gorgeous color of the sun light at dusk, the intoxicating smell of the meadows in the early morning.
At the down of the sixth day I had to tell him.
“Every 100 years I can become human again for a week. Tomorrow is the last day of my week. It is my destiny and I cannot deny it.”
Seregon kept silent for a while before replying:
“I like the way your long black hair falls on the sides of your round face. I love the way your chocolate shaded skin feels to the touch. Does it have to be this way?”
“There were many weeks. And they always end. Yes, there is no other way.” I knew it all along yet I could not help but show my sadness with these words.
“What do you feel like doing?” he asked.
“I want to fight.” I said grabbing a sword from the wall in his house.
“Fight me then!” he smiled and began whispering foreign words.
“Gorad, do, otain!” and he became half transparent. More words and his skin looked like stone. Another triad and he began moving swiftly like a cat. I charged but he moved aside. I tried knocking him down, he simply resisted being moved.
We fought until the last drop of our strength was over. Our bodies were sweating as we tried to catch our breath.
I took care of the few bruises he had gotten. He could probably heal them with magic, but he let me do it for him. Then we let our exhaustion turn into slumber.
I got up a few hours later. Seregon was nowhere to be seen. Worried, I searched the whole house and finally entered his study. There I found his cold body at the center of the large pentagram he used for his magic. There were hundreds of small stones all over the floor forming the name “Tempus”. I cried in horror and ran out of the house. I run and run and run as long as I could. When my strength left me I fell in a puddle. The water calmed and I saw my reflection. A twisted crying face surrounded by pure white hair.
The week passed and I was still in my body. What did he do to give me this life? Why did he do it? I have no answers. I wandered in the unknown land until I found a ship to take me to the town of Benzor. I call myself with the name he gave me - Lalena, Lalena White.
I know we cannot have everything. I know that sometimes we cannot even have the single thing we want the most. But this knowledge is no good when I wake up in the night with a cry and the urge to fight takes over me. I get my sword and wander in search of a challenge. With every monster or man I defeat I grow stronger. And I need another challenge.
Tonight it will be a Hell Worm from the Planes of Rage. Let the stronger one survive.
If my strength fades
I shall not perish
If my sword falls
I would not run
My blood can spill
I shall not wither
My heart can burn
I would not die
But if you walk away in silence
I will vanish with the morning mist
Jul 28, 2005
Pirin
It's early in the morning and I'm having breakfast.
Only this time it's on the edge of a 300 meters high wall of marble. My feet hang over the abyss and the food tastes like never before. I'm on top of Sinanitsa peak (2516m). It's one of the most spectacular peaks in the Pirin Mountains.
My route starts the day before from Sofia. After 3 hour drive I reach hut Vihren just above the town of Bansko. It is cloudy, but not raining so I head for hut Sinanitsa. One hour and a half hiking uphill, I finally get to the Banderitsa gate where I see a group of retired people.
"We are waiting you for 30 minutes." smiles an old man. "Now, take a picture of us, with the Strajite ridge in the background."
I take the picture and we chit-chat for 10 minutes before we start walking together. Only this time is mostly downhill or level ground. In 20 minutes the track gets very close to the ridge and my companions leave their backpacks on the track.
"Come with us to see the Georgievski lakes. They're on the other side of the ridge." says Stefan.
"He's been in Pirin 43 times and knows every stone around here." says Momchil, who is 70 and is the oldest in the group.
We enjoy the sight of the lakes for a while and continue. It starts raining and goes on for two hours. We advance slowly, but I like the pacing as I'm not really in a hurry to get anywhere.
Soon, we see the Sinanitsa circus, the peak and the hut. The rain is over. In no time I get hold of a smoking cup of tea.
I spend the rest of the afternoon watching the clouds break against the mountain slopes. Later in the evening, a thunder storm starts in the west. It's almost too far to hear, but the lightning bolts create flashing images of eternal beauty. A local group plays on accordion until late in the night and sings folk songs of love and bravery. The songs seem to fit the place very naturally. I fall asleep.
The noises of the last people leaving the common bedroom wake me up. Its 7:30am. I get up and have a cup of coffee. I gather all my stuff and say farewell to the rest of the crowd. Our paths diverge and I'm alone again.
The track to the peak is barely visible and circles around the Sinanitsa lake for 15 minutes then goes straight up. I get to see the peak only once and the view of the marble pinnacle is breathtaking. In little more than an hour, I reach the summit. I get some food and sit on the edge with my feet in the abyss. My plan is to hike back to hut Vihren then drive to Sofia in the same day. However, that is not important now.
It's early in the morning and I'm having breakfast.
Only this time it's on the edge of a 300 meters high wall of marble. My feet hang over the abyss and the food tastes like never before. I'm on top of Sinanitsa peak (2516m). It's one of the most spectacular peaks in the Pirin Mountains.My route starts the day before from Sofia. After 3 hour drive I reach hut Vihren just above the town of Bansko. It is cloudy, but not raining so I head for hut Sinanitsa. One hour and a half hiking uphill, I finally get to the Banderitsa gate where I see a group of retired people.
"We are waiting you for 30 minutes." smiles an old man. "Now, take a picture of us, with the Strajite ridge in the background."
I take the picture and we chit-chat for 10 minutes before we start walking together. Only this time is mostly downhill or level ground. In 20 minutes the track gets very close to the ridge and my companions leave their backpacks on the track."Come with us to see the Georgievski lakes. They're on the other side of the ridge." says Stefan.
"He's been in Pirin 43 times and knows every stone around here." says Momchil, who is 70 and is the oldest in the group.
We enjoy the sight of the lakes for a while and continue. It starts raining and goes on for two hours. We advance slowly, but I like the pacing as I'm not really in a hurry to get anywhere.
Soon, we see the Sinanitsa circus, the peak and the hut. The rain is over. In no time I get hold of a smoking cup of tea.
I spend the rest of the afternoon watching the clouds break against the mountain slopes. Later in the evening, a thunder storm starts in the west. It's almost too far to hear, but the lightning bolts create flashing images of eternal beauty. A local group plays on accordion until late in the night and sings folk songs of love and bravery. The songs seem to fit the place very naturally. I fall asleep.
The noises of the last people leaving the common bedroom wake me up. Its 7:30am. I get up and have a cup of coffee. I gather all my stuff and say farewell to the rest of the crowd. Our paths diverge and I'm alone again.The track to the peak is barely visible and circles around the Sinanitsa lake for 15 minutes then goes straight up. I get to see the peak only once and the view of the marble pinnacle is breathtaking. In little more than an hour, I reach the summit. I get some food and sit on the edge with my feet in the abyss. My plan is to hike back to hut Vihren then drive to Sofia in the same day. However, that is not important now.
It's early in the morning and I'm having breakfast.
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